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TED英文演讲：你不必要强迫自己积极向上
https://v.qq.com/txp/iframe/player.html?width=500&height=375&auto=0&vid=y3016nwm6s5
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大家好。
Sawubona.
Sawubona。
In South Africa, where I come from,
我来自南非，
"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."
「sawubona」是祖鲁语里的 「你好」。
There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word
背后有一个有力而美丽的意图。
because "sawubona" literally translated means,
因为「sawubona」字面翻译是，
"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."
「我看到你，因为过见你， 我感受到彼此的存在。」
So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.
想象受到如此的欢迎是如此美丽。
But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?
但是，我们如何看待自己呢？
Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories
如何看待那些帮助我们
that help us to thrive
在这个日益复杂和焦虑的世界里
in an increasingly complex and fraught world?
茁壮成长的想法、情绪和故事呢？
This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.
这个至关重要的问题 是我一生工作的核心。
Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.
因为我们如何处理内心世界 会驱动着我们的一切。
Every aspect of how we love, how we live,
我们的一切所爱、如何生活、
how we parent and how we lead.
如何为人父母，及怎样率领他人。
The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,
传统的观点认为情绪有好有坏，
positive or negative,
有正面有负面，
is rigid.
看似死板。
And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.
以僵化的态度面对 错综复杂的问题是有害的。
We need greater levels of emotional agility
我们需要更大限度的情感灵活性
for true resilience and thriving.
来支持生命的韧性和茁壮成长。
My journey with this calling
我的使命
began not in the hallowed halls of a university,
不源于神圣的大学殿堂，
but in the messy, tender business of life.
却扎根在杂乱与温柔的生活中。
I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,
我在南非种族隔离时期的 白人郊区长大，
a country and community committed to not seeing. To denial.
一个常常被忽视、 被否认的国家和小区。
It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible
这个否认，使 50 年后的 种族主义立法成为可能，
while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.
而人们却相信自己没有做错任何事。
And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial
然而，我第一次真切体会到
at a personal level,
被否认的破坏力，
before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.
远在我明白自己出生的国家 正在发生什么事之前。
My father died on a Friday.
我父亲在一个星期五去世了。
He was 42 years old and I was 15.
当时他 42 岁，而我 15 岁。
My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father
在返校前，母亲低声对我说，
before I went to school.
去和妳的父亲最后道个别吧。
So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through
于是我把背包放下，走过一条通道，
to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.
去到屋的中心， 那里躺着因癌症而病危的父亲。
His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.
他的眼睛虽然闭上， 但他知道我在那里。
In his presence, I had always felt seen.
在他面前，我总可感觉到被看见。
I told him I loved him,
我告诉他我爱他，
said goodbye and headed off for my day.
说完再见，开始了新的一天。
At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,
当父亲从世界上溜走的时候，
as my father slipped from the world.
我在学校里，从科学学到数学， 从历史学到生物，
From May to July to September to November,
从五月过到七月， 七月过到九月，九月再到十一月，
I went about with my usual smile.
我都是带着平常的笑容渡过。
I didn't drop a single grade.
与之前没有什么大的分别。
When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."
当我被问到最近怎么样时， 我会耸耸肩说：「我很好。」
I was praised for being strong.
我的坚强受到表扬。
I was the master of being OK.
我太善于假装「我很好」了。
But back home, we struggled --
但回到家里， 我们就得挣扎维持生计。
my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going
爸爸无法一直维持他的小生意，
during his illness.
在他生病的期间他。
And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life
母亲因失去了生命中的 爱人而悲痛万分， 因为往后只靠她一个人了，
trying to raise three children,
还要设法抚养三个孩子，
and the creditors were knocking.
而且债权人还追上门来。
We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.
我们的家庭遇上了 经济和情感的灾劫。
And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.
我开始飞速地坠落深渊和感到孤立。
I started to use food to numb my pain.
开始用食物来麻醉自己的痛苦。
Binging and purging.
用暴饮暴食来净化内心。
Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.
拒绝接受沉重的悲痛。
No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,
在一种鼓吹无情文化的社会中， 没有人想知道我的故事，
I thought that no one wanted to know.
我以为真是没有人想知道。
But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.
但是有一个人， 并不相信我刚强的外表。
My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes
她是八年级的英语老师， 她用灼热的蓝眼睛盯着我
as she handed out blank notebooks.
拿出一本空白笔记本给我。
She said, "Write what you're feeling.
她说，「写下你的感受。
Tell the truth.
要说实话。
Write like nobody's reading."
只写给你自己看。」
And just like that,
就这样，
I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.
我被邀请真实地 表达我的悲伤和痛苦。
It was a simple act
这是一个简单的行为，
but nothing short of a revolution for me.
但对我来说却是场革命。
It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook
自这本空白笔记本开始的革命，
30 years ago
始于 30 年前，
that shaped my life's work.
塑造了我一生的工作。
The secret, silent correspondence with myself.
隐密而无声地自我沟通。
Like a gymnast,
就像体操运动员一样，
I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial
我开始超越内心冰冷的痛苦，
into what I've now come to call
来到了我现在所要说的话题，
emotional agility.
那就是获得拥有生命力的感情。
Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.
生命的美丽与脆弱连在一起。
We are young until we are not.
我们还年轻， 终有一天我们不再年轻。
We walk down the streets sexy
我们迷人地走在街道上，
until one day we realize that we are unseen.
终有一天， 我们意识到别人看不见我们。
We nag our children and one day realize
我们唠叨着孩子，终有一天意识到
that there is silence where that child once was,
那个曾经沉默的孩子，
now making his or her way in the world.
现在正面向着世界。
We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.
我们是健康的， 直到被诊断出疾病而受挫。
The only certainty is uncertainty,
唯一的确定就是不确定，
and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.
但是我们未能成功地、 永续地驾驭这种脆弱。
The World Health Organization tells us that depression
世界卫生组织告诉我们
is now the single leading cause of disability globally --
抑郁症现在是全球 导致残疾的主因之一，
outstripping cancer,
超过癌症，
outstripping heart disease.
也超过心脏病。
And at a time of greater complexity,
在更加复杂的时刻里，
unprecedented technological, political and economic change,
在前所未有的技术、 政治和经济的变化中，
we are seeing how people's tendency
我们看到人们倾向于
is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.
强化严格控制情绪的反应。
On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.
一方面，我们或许痴迷于我们的感情，
Getting stuck inside our heads.
执着于脑中，
Hooked on being right.
自以为总是正确的，
Or victimized by our news feed.
或者被某些新闻所伤害；
On the other, we might bottle our emotions,
另一方面，或许 我们把情绪
pushing them aside
推到一边，
and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.
只表现出那些看似正常的情绪。
In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,
在最近与七万多人进行的调查中，
I found that a third of us --
我发现我们当中三分之一的人，
a third --
有三分之一的人，
either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"
认为自己有所谓的「坏情绪」，
like sadness,
像心情糟糕、
anger or even grief.
愤怒甚至悲伤；
Or actively try to push aside these feelings.
或者主动推开这些感觉。
We do this not only to ourselves,
我们不仅对自己这样做，
but also to people we love, like our children --
也对我们所爱的人做， 像对我们的孩子，
we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,
我们可能在无意中羞辱他们， 将他们的情绪视为负面的，
jump to a solution,
急切地跳入解决，
and fail to help them
而没帮助他们体认到
to see these emotions as inherently valuable.
这些情绪本身的价值。
Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.
正常而自然的情绪 现在被分为好的和坏的。
And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.
道德正确的新形式是积极的态度。
People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.
癌症患者被自动要求 应该要保持积极的态度。
Women, to stop being so angry.
女人被要求别那么生气。
And the list goes on.
例子实在是不胜枚举。
It's a tyranny.
这是一种暴政。
It's a tyranny of positivity.
这是一种正面的暴政。
And it's cruel.
是残酷的、
Unkind.
刻薄的，
And ineffective.
而且效果不佳。
And we do it to ourselves,
我们约束我们的情绪，
and we do it to others.
和我们约束别人的情绪。
If there's one common feature
倘若忧郁、禁闭 和虚假的正面有个共通点，
of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:
那就是
they are all rigid responses.
它们都是僵化的回应。
And if there's a single lesson we can learn
如果我们从种族隔离政策
from the inevitable fall of apartheid
无可避免的崩溃能学到一个教训，
it is that rigid denial doesn't work.
那就是死板的否认起不了作用。
It's unsustainable.
那是不可持续的，
For individuals, for families,
对于个人、家庭，
for societies.
及社会都如此。
And as we watch the ice caps melt,
我们看到冰盖的融化
it is unsustainable for our planet.
对这个星球来说是不可持续的。
Research on emotional suppression shows
抑制情绪的研究表明
that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,
当情绪被推到一边或被忽视时，
they get stronger.
就变得更顽强。
Psychologists call this amplification.
心理学家将这种放大效应
Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --
看作像是放在冰箱里的 美味巧克力蛋糕，
the more you try to ignore it ...
你越试图忽略它..…
(Laughter)
（笑声）
the greater its hold on you.
馋嘴的你就更加忍不住。
You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,
你可能会认为， 要控制情绪，忽略它就可以了，
but in fact they control you.
但实际上它们会控制着你。
Internal pain always comes out.
内部的痛苦总要释放出来。
Always.
总是。
And who pays the price?
谁要付出代价？
We do.
我们付代价，
Our children,
我们的孩子付，
our colleagues,
我们的同事付，
our communities.
我们的小区也付。
Now, don't get me wrong.
不要误解我的意思，
I'm not anti-happiness.
我不反对幸福快乐，
I like being happy.
反而喜欢快乐。
I'm a pretty happy person.
我是一个非常开心的人。
But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,
但当我们抛弃正常的情绪 拥抱错误的积极性时，
we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,
我们就失去培养应对技能 来处理现今这样的世界事务，
not as we wish it to be.
不是我们所希望的世界那样。
I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.
有数以百计的人告诉我 他们不想要什么样的感觉。
They say things like,
他们这样说：
"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."
「我不想尝试， 因为我不想感到失望。」
Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."
或者「我只想让失望的感觉消失。」
"I understand," I say to them.
我对他们说：「我明白，」
"But you have dead people's goals."
「但是你的目标也是死人们的。」
(Laughter)
（笑声）
(Applause)
（掌声）
Only dead people
只有死去的人
never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.
永远不会感受到不必要或不便。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
Only dead people never get stressed,
只有死去的人才会没有压力，
never get broken hearts,
永远不会伤心，
never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.
永远不会面对失败带来的失望。
Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.
情绪的困扰是 我们与生活契约的一部分。
You don't get to have a meaningful career
没有一个有意义的职业、
or raise a family
养家糊口，
or leave the world a better place
或让世界变得更美好
without stress and discomfort.
不需要面对压力或苦恼。
Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.
苦恼是获得生活意义的代价。
So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity
那么，我们如何消除顽固的本性
and embrace emotional agility?
并拥抱机敏的情感？
As that young schoolgirl,
作为那个年轻的女学生，
when I leaned into those blank pages,
当我靠近这些空白页面时，
I started to do away with feelings
一开始我是为了摆脱我的感觉
of what I should be experiencing.
和我应该经历的东西。
And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.
后来变成开始对自己 真正的感受打开心门。
Pain.
痛苦、
And grief.
悲伤、
And loss.
失败，
And regret.
和遗憾。
Research now shows
目前的研究显示，
that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --
唯有学会根本地接受 我们所有的情绪，
even the messy, difficult ones --
包括混乱、艰难的情绪，
is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,
才能重获成长的基石，
and true, authentic happiness.
才能获得真正的的幸福。
But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.
情感上的敏感性 不仅仅是单纯接受情绪。
We also know that accuracy matters.
我们也知道准确性很重要。
In my own research, I found that words are essential.
在我自己的研究中， 我发现那是必不可少的。
We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.
我们经常用方便且简单的标签 来表达我们的感受。
"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.
我最常听到的是「我感觉压力大」。
But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment
但压力和失望来自于不同的世界。
or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."
或因「我从事错误的职业」 而感受到恐惧和压力。
When we label our emotions accurately,
当我们准确地识别我们的情绪时，
we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.
我们更能够辨别出 造成我们感受的确切原因。
And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain
正如科学家们所说， 大脑中的准备潜力会被激活，
is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.
让我们采取一些具体的步骤，
But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.
不是任意的步骤，而是正确的步骤。
Because our emotions are data.
因为我们的情绪是数据。
Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.
我们的情绪包含着 我们关心事情的闪光。
We tend not to feel strong emotion
我们往往不会感到强烈的情绪，
to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.
当面对那些在我们的世界里 没有任何意义的东西时。
If you feel rage when you read the news,
如果你看新闻时感到愤怒，
that rage is a signpost,
那愤怒是一个路标，
perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --
或许你重视公平和公正，
and an opportunity to take active steps
它是指向可以采取一些积极的措施，
to shape your life in that direction.
能在那个方向塑造你的生活的机会。
When we are open to the difficult emotions,
当我们面对困难的情绪时，
we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.
我们能够产生与价值对等的响应。
But there's an important caveat.
但是有一个重要的警告。
Emotions are data, they are not directives.
情绪是数据，它们不是指令。
We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values
我们可以挖掘和显示情感的价值
without needing to listen to them.
而不需要听从它们。
Just like I can show up to my son
就好像是我可以在我儿子
in his frustration with his baby sister --
因为他的小妹妹而受挫时 出现并陪伴他，
but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away
但我不赞成他的想法，
to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.
把妹妹送给在商场看到的 第一个陌生人。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
We own our emotions, they don't own us.
我们是情绪的主人， 情绪不是我们的主人，
When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom
当我们的智慧与内在的感受调合，
and what I do in a values-aligned action,
我所做出的行动与价值观一致时，
we generate the pathway to our best selves
我们创造了通往最佳自我的途径，
via our emotions.
通过我们的情绪。
So, what does this look like in practice?
那么，实践生活是怎么一回事？
When you feel a strong, tough emotion,
当你感到强烈和僵化的情绪时，
don't race for the emotional exits.
不要快速地为情感找出口。
Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.
先从心中的日记触摸情感的轮廓。
What is the emotion telling you?
哪些是感情告诉你的？
And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."
尽量不要对「我很生气」 或「我很伤心」回应「我就是」。
When you say "I am"
你说「我就是」
it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.
使你等同于情感一样。
Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source.
而你就是你，情感是一种数据来源。
Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is:
而是试着注意它是什么感觉：
"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"
「我注意到我感到难过」，
or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."
或者 「我注意到自己感到愤怒」。
These are essential skills for us,
对我们来说，这些是必备的技能，
our families, our communities.
对我们的家庭和小区，
They're also critical to the workplace.
对工作场所很重要。
In my research,
在我的研究中，
when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work,
观察人们如何展现最好的自我时，
I found a powerful key contributor:
我发现强大的关键在于
individualized consideration.
个性化的考虑。
When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth,
当人们被允许感受 自己的真实情感时，
engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization.
参与度、创造性和新观念 会在其中蓬勃发展。
Diversity isn't just people,
不单人类具有多样性，
it's also what's inside people.
人的内里也是，
Including diversity of emotion.
包括情感也多样化。
The most agile, resilient individuals, teams,
最敏捷、具韧性的个人、团队、
organizations, families, communities
组织、家庭和小区
are built on an openness to the normal human emotions.
建立在对人类正常开放的情感上。
It's this that allows us to say,
这让我们能够说：
"What is my emotion telling me?"
「我的情绪告诉了我什么？」
"Which action will bring me towards my values?"
「哪一个行动会使我能达到 我的价值标准？」
"Which will take me away from my values?"
「哪一个行动会使我 偏离我的价值观？」
Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions
情绪敏捷是指 能够以好奇心、同情心，
with curiosity, compassion,
特别是勇于采取与价值相连的步骤
and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.
来表达自己的情感。
When I was little,
在我小时候，
I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.
晚上醒来会有害怕死亡的想法。
My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses.
父亲会轻轻拍着安慰我和亲吻我。
But he would never lie.
但他绝不会说谎。
"We all die, Susie," he would say.
他会说：「苏西，我们全都会死。」
"It's normal to be scared."
「害怕是很正常的。」
He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality.
他并没有试图创造一个缓冲区， 在我的想法和现实之间。
It took me a while to understand
我花了好一段时间才能明白
the power of how he guided me through those nights.
他如何引导我度过 那些惶恐夜晚的力量。
What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;
他向我展示的是， 有勇气并不是没有恐惧，
courage is fear walking.
勇气是在恐惧中行走。
Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,
我们都不知道在短短的十年时间里
he would be gone.
他会死了。
And that time for each of us is all too precious
那个时候对我们 每个人来说都太珍贵、
and all too brief.
太短暂了。
But when our moment comes
但当我们的时刻到来时，
to face our fragility,
面对着我们的脆弱，
in that ultimate time,
在那最后的时刻，
it will ask us,
它会问我们：
"Are you agile?"
「你情感敏捷吗？」
"Are you agile?"
「你情感敏捷吗？」
Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."
让你在这一刻 毫无保留地回答「是」。
A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart.
与你自己的心 终生沟通而产生的「是」。
And in seeing yourself.
看你自己。
Because in seeing yourself,
因为透过看自己，
you are also able to see others, too:
你看到对别人亦然：
the only sustainable way forward
在脆弱而美丽的世界里，
in a fragile, beautiful world.
情感敏捷是唯一可永续的途径。
Sawubona.
Sawubona。
And thank you.
谢谢你。
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