Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent.

虽然我们可以选择变成什么样的人，但童年在一定的程度上塑造了我们。

How we choose to react to different situations and the way we express ourselves,  our behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age.

我们对一些不同事物的反应还有我们怎么释放自己，我们的行为模式在我们幼小的时候就已经形成了。

When we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment.

当我们初次学会怎么了解我们的周遭环境。

Marriage and family counselors  Dr. Mllan and Kay yerkovich discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing.

婚姻及家庭咨询师DR.MLLAN和KAY YERKOVICH 发现每个人爱人的方式是由个人幼年时期的行为而断定的。

A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners.

爱人的方式是包含了我们的倾向和我们怎么回应我们爱人的趋势。

But understanding how we love we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships.

但在我们在了解我们怎么爱人之前，我们要先了解我们爱我们伴侣的方式怎么影响我们之间的感情。

Hera are dr. Milan and Kaye yorkovich's five love styles.

这里是五个DR.MILAN和KAYE YORKOVICH提出的五种常有的爱人的方式。

One: the pleaser. 

第一，祈求者。

The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent.

通常这类型的人生长在一个过分保护或者是过于偏激的家庭长大的。

As children, pleasers do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior, so as to not provoke a negative response from their parent.

作为小孩，祈求者会做乖乖在他们父母面前，为了不要引起父母的消极反应。

Pleaser children don't receive comfort. Instead they spend their time and energy giving comfort to their reactive parent.

祈求型小孩不会要求别人安慰他们。他们反而会花更多的时间和精力去安慰他们的父母。

Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly.

祈求型人格不喜欢跟人起冲突，也不喜欢处理纠纷，他们通常就会先低下头当他们和别人吵架的时候（不管他们对还是错）。

They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimalize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations. 

他们通常很难向人说不因为他们想要避免纷争，他们可能会撒谎为了避免不愉快的事情发生。

As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy.

当一个祈求型小孩长大后，他们就会学会怎么察言观色，确保每个人是快乐的。

However...When pleasers feel stressed or believe that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships.

尽管如此，当他们感到很压力或他们觉得自己一直让一个人很失望的话，他们会崩溃，开始在一段关系中选择逃避。

Pleasers often spread themselves thin, trying to be everything to everyone when it's not realistic and instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves, they focus more on the needs and desires of others.

他们总是奔波，总是尝试要变成大家想要的样子反而不会为了自己建立一个良好的界限，他们会去满足他人的需要和欲望，而忘了界限。

In order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their own feelings rather than trying to do what is expected of them.

为了帮助他们建立起一个健康且稳定的关系，他们应该要诚实面对自己的感情比起去他们被期望做的事。

Two: the victim. The victim often grows up in a chaotic home.

第二，受害者。受害者通常生长在一个混乱的家庭。

Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive by putting less attention on themselves so they can stay under the radar. 

受害者类型会兼容所有的命令，为了能够从他们身上转移注意力然后生存下去，这样他们就可以保持低调。

To deal with their angry violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet.

为了跟他们的易怒父母妥协，他们会在很小的时候就形成了他们安静的性格和学会怎么隐藏。

Because being fully present is painful for them, victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers. They face on a daily basis. 

因为他们的存在对他们来说是很痛苦的，他们通常会在脑海里建立起一个想象世界。在想象世界里可以对付他们每天要面对的恐惧。

Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. 

他们有很低的自我意识，然后通常会拥有焦虑症和抑郁症。

They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors as their parents. 

他们最终可能会跟喜欢操控人的人在一起，那种和他们父母有着同样性格的人。

Victims learn to cope by being adaptable, and going with the flow.

他们的适应能力强且会变得人云亦云。

They are so used to chaos in stressful situations that when they do experience calmness,

他们曾经生活在紧绷且混乱的家庭里，所以在面对一些事情时，他们可以保持很冷静，

it actually makes them feel uneasy because they anticipate the next blow up in order for victims to cultivate healthy stable relationships,

那其实让他们觉得很不自在因为他们要预计下一次他们伴侣的爆发，为了建立一个健康且稳定的关系，

they have to learn self-love and stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them.

他们应该学会自爱，然后在需要的时候学会站起来，而不是让他们的伴侣改变自己。

Three: the controller. The controller usually grows up in a home where there wasn't a lot of protection, so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves.

第三，控制者。控制者通常在一个没有安全感的家庭长大的，所以他们会锻炼自己，学会怎么照顾自己。

They need to feel in control at all times to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood, from being exposed in their adulthood. 

他们想要时时刻刻知道自己能掌控所有事情为了避免变成弱小，在他们所经历的童年到他们长大以来。

People with this love style believe that they're in control when they can avoid experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness.

这类人始终坚信自己可以掌控自己的情绪，可以让他们逃避不好的情绪例如恐惧，无助还有蒙羞。

Controllers, however, don't associate anger as vulnerability. So they use it as a weapon to remain in power.

尽管如此，他们不会把愤怒和脆弱联系起来。所以他们把它当成武器来让他们一直有能力。

Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable.

他们很死板，但也有可能是不定期的，在某种特定场合的时候。

They don't like stepping out of their comfort zones because it makes them feel weak and unprotected.

他们不愿踏出他们的舒适圈因为他们觉得这样他们会变得易碎，很弱。

They prefer to solve problems on their own, and like getting things done in a certain manner, otherwise they get angry. 

他们更倾向自己解决问题，还很喜欢用某种方式完成一件事，要不然他们会很生气。

In order for controllers to form stable long lasting relationships, they need to learn how to let go, trust others, and keep their anger at bay.

为了让这群人可以建立起健康且长久的恋情，建议他们需要学会怎么放手，相信别人，不要易怒。

Four: The vacillator. The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent. Vacillators learned that their needs aren't their parents top priority. 

四，敏感者。敏感者常常有令人出乎意料的父母。敏感者认为他们不是他们父母的第一位。

Without consistent affection from their parents, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment,

由于缺乏双方父母的关爱，他们很害怕被人抛弃，

but when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it.

但是当他们的父母终于给予他们关爱和时间时，他们会因此而感到愤怒，表示很厌烦去接受。

As vaciillators enter adulthood they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children... 

当他们进入到成年期，他们就会开始四处散播他们的关爱，他们以前没有的东西......

Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships, but once they feel led down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful.

他们会理想化一段关系但只要他们开始感觉失望，他们就会疑心重重。

They often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships.

他们经常会误会，总是转牛角尖，在恋情中感到情绪紧张。

They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and no when people are pulling away.

他们超级敏感，很有知觉力让他们可以探测别人的微小变化，好让别人不能离开他们。

In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy stable relationships, they need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone before committing to soon and getting hurt by their own expectations.

为了让他们拥有健康且稳定的感情，他们需要学会怎么缓下来，在还没完全了解一个人的情况下，不要随意承诺别人，也不要用你的想象去伤害别人。

Five: the avoider. The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance.

第五，逃避者。逃避者通常生长在一个没有感情的家庭，要自立且自力更生的家庭。

As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves starting at a very young age and put their feelings and needs on hold  to deal with their anxieties of having little to no comfort from their parents.

作为孩子，逃避者在很小的时候，就学会了怎么照顾自己，但是把他们的情感和需求屏蔽为了处理他们因为没有父母关照的焦虑感。

Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions.

他们比较倾向于呆在自己的空间，比较依靠逻辑和分离感多过自身的情感。

They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense mood swings. 

当周围的人感受到强烈的情绪波动，会让他们感到不自在。

In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy long-lasting relationship. They need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly.

为了让他们建立健康且长久的感情。建议他们需要学会怎么打开心扉，然后适当地，释放情感。

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