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TED演讲：如何维护良好的亲密关系？
俗话说，相爱容易相处难，维持一段亲密关系不是一件简单的事。除了两人性格、生活习惯、沟通方式......方面的差异，是否有更深层次，不为人知的原因呢?
在这场演讲中，夫妻治疗师Stan Tatkin将从神经科学的角度探讨伴侣之间为什么会从最初的甜蜜到之后的争吵不断，彼此互相伤害，以及如何正确看待彼此并幸福相处，一起看看吧！
演讲者：Stan Tatkin
临床医生，教师，和夫妻治疗(PACT)的心理生物学方法的开发者，一直致力于帮助个人和伴侣建立有意义的长期关系
Some people think it’s because we’re just not right for each other, or we don’t have enough in common. Look, it’s not just you, or him, or her. There’s actually nothing more difficult on the planet than another person.有些人认为这是因为我们彼此不合适，或者我们没有足够的共同点。听着，不只是你，或者他，或者她。事实上，这个星球上没有什么比另一个人更困难的了。
Think about that. We’re all difficult. We all come to each new relationship wanting easy, but we also come with our fair share of unresolved painful experiences from previous relationships.想一想。我们都是困难的。我们每个人在开始一段新恋情的时候都想要轻松，但我们也会带着之前恋情中未解决的痛苦经历。
Between love and work, love is by far, more complex and challenging. Now, much of the reason for this is based in our automatic neurobiological reflexes, so let me explain.在爱情和工作之间，爱情要复杂得多，也更具挑战性。现在，这其中的大部分原因是基于我们的自动神经生物学反射，让我来解释一下。
Let’s start with that fancy neocortex of yours, the high cortical areas. For simplicity sake, let’s call them your ambassadors. Your ambassadors are very smart, deliberate, but slow, and they’re very expensive to run. They’re really good at planning, predicting, organizing, languaging. And if I may be frank, they’re really good at making shit up.让我们从你的大脑皮层开始，高皮层区域。为了简单起见，我们称他们为你们的大使吧。你们的大使们非常聪明、深思熟虑，但行动缓慢，而且他们的运营成本非常高。他们非常擅长计划、预测、组织和语言表达。恕我直言，他们真的很擅长编故事。
When you think of logic and reason, think ambassadors. Now, the subcortical areas of your brain, let’s call them your primitives. They’re very fast, memory-based, automatic, and very cheap to run. They’re involved in love and sex, but also threat detection by scanning for dangerous faces, voices, gestures, movements, as well as dangerous words and phrases.当你想到逻辑和理性时，想想大使。现在，大脑皮层下的区域，我们称它们为原始脑区。它们非常快，基于内存，自动，而且运行非常便宜。他们参与了爱和性，但也通过扫描危险的面孔、声音、手势、动作以及危险的单词和短语来检测威胁。
When you think fight or flight, think primitives. Now, thanks to your primitives, your day is 99% fully automatic. Your ambassadors love novelty, but they have to offload newness to your primitives in order to conserve resources. You can’t possibly run your day with your ambassadors in full gear — you would fry your brain.当你想到战斗或逃跑，想想原始人。现在，由于你的原始，你的一天99%是全自动的。你们的大使喜欢新奇的事物，但是为了保护资源，他们不得不把新奇的事物交给你们的原始部落。你不可能在大使们全副武装的情况下完成一天的工作——否则你的大脑会被烤焦的。
So the primitives use something called procedural memory, otherwise known as body memory, and it works like this: You learn to ride a bike, and in the beginning, your primitives and ambassadors are in full gear to learn this new skill. But very soon, your primitives are going to automate bike riding without much need for your ambassadors. It goes into procedural memory. Pretty neat, huh?所以这些原始部落使用一种叫做过程记忆的东西，或者叫做身体记忆，它是这样运作的:你学习骑自行车，在一开始，你的原始部落和大使们全副武装去学习这项新技能。但很快，您的原始将自动骑自行车不需要太多的大使。它进入过程记忆。很整洁的,不是吗?
So now you fall in love with someone, and again, your brain is lit up — you want to know everything about them. You want to touch them, taste them, smell them, you can’t get enough of them. You are high on drugs. Nature’s drugs, not those. 现在你爱上了某人，你的大脑再次被点亮——你想知道关于他们的一切。你想摸它们、尝它们、闻它们，你怎么也得不到满足。你吸毒成瘾。不是那些毒品，而是自然的药物。
Dopamine for wanting more; noradrenaline for focus and attention; testosterone for you know what — and a distinct drop in serotonin so you can perseverate and obsess. You’re neurochemically addicted.多巴胺让你想要更多的;去甲肾上腺素促进注意力;睾丸激素，还有血清素的明显下降，让你固执和着迷。你神经化学性上瘾了。
So you spend all your time together for weeks and months and you get serious. And this is when the fun begins — because very soon, your brain is going to automate this new person and theirs is going to automate you. This is supposed to happen, it’s what the brain does in order to function. 所以你们花了几个星期甚至几个月的时间在一起，然后开始认真起来。这就是乐趣开始的时候——因为很快，你的大脑会自动处理这个新人，他们的大脑也会自动处理你。这是应该发生的，这是大脑运作的方式。
It’ll make your relationship feel a lot easier and it will lead you to your first really big mistakes — because you think you know each other already, so you stop paying attention, you stop being fully present. 这会让你们的关系变得更轻松，也会让你们第一次犯下大错——因为你认为你们已经互相了解了，所以你不再关注，不再全身心投入。
Your primitives are relying on procedural memory to run your relationship, and that memory includes everyone and everything of an emotional importance in your life. And that primitive brain of yours is going to read your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions through that memory lens.你的原型依赖于程序性记忆来维持你们的关系，这种记忆包括你生活中重要的每一个人和每一件事。而你那原始的大脑会通过记忆透镜来解读你伴侣的想法、感受和意图。
So it’s kind of like this: “Why are you giving me that look?”就像这样:“你为什么用那种眼神看我?”
“I – I didn’t give you any look.”“我——我没有看你。”
“Why are you using that tone of voice with me?”“你为什么用那种口气跟我说话?”
“What tone?”“什么语气?”
“What! Stop it!”“什么!住手!”
“What?”“什么?”
“That.”“那个”
“What?!”“什么? !”
That’s the sound of two nervous systems misfiring, and that is our nature. And that will happen, and it will be a problem if you don’t understand your automatic brain.这是两个神经系统失灵的声音，这是我们的天性。当它发生时，如果你不理解你的自动大脑，这将是个问题。
Now as a couple’s therapist, I can tell you that fighting in and of itself is inevitable. There is no relationship without conflict. In fact, if you are a conflict avoider, you will appear threatening to your partner. The real problem isn’t that you fight.作为夫妻治疗师，我可以告诉你，争吵本身是不可避免的。没有不冲突的关系。事实上，如果你是一个冲突回避者，你会给你的伴侣造成威胁。真正的问题不在于你的争吵。
It’s when you do, one or both of you threatens to leave the relationship. A relationship can survive fights, but what it cannot survive is loss of safety and security. Communication, memory, perception — all error-prone.当你这么做的时候，你们中的一个或两个都威胁要离开这段关系。一段感情可以经得起争吵，但它不能经得起的是失去安全感。交流、记忆、感知——都容易出错。
Human communication, even on a good day, is terrible. We’re mostly misunderstanding each other much of the time. When we feel good, we don’t care that much, and when we don’t feel good, we care a whole lot. And when stress goes up, human communication gets a whole lot worse.人与人之间的交流，即使在天气好的时候，也是很糟糕的。很多时候我们都误解了对方。当我们感觉良好时，我们不会太在意，当我们感觉不好时，我们会在意很多。当压力上升时，人际交流就会变得更糟。
Memory is unreliable. Memory is faulty, folks, and in a fight for whose memory is right, you’re probably both wrong. Your perceptions are like fun house mirrors. Your perceptions are constantly being altered by your state of mind and your memory. They’re constantly playing tricks on you.记忆是不可靠的。各位，记忆是有缺陷的，在一场谁的记忆是正确的斗争中，你们可能都错了。你的感知就像游乐园的镜子。你的感知经常被你的心态和记忆所改变。他们总是在捉弄你。
If we assume that our communication, our memory, our perception is the real truth, that’s hubris, and that will get us into trouble.如果我们认为我们的交流，我们的记忆，我们的感知是真实的，那是傲慢，那将会给我们带来麻烦。
Now, before I go on, I want to be clear about threat. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you must get out. I’m not talking about big T threat; only small T threat, the kind that we have to deal with day in and day out as we bump up against each other, and we fight.在我继续之前，我想澄清一下威胁。如果你处在一段受虐待的关系中，你必须离开。我说的不是大威胁，而是很小的威胁，那种我们必须日复一日去应对的威胁，那种我们彼此伤害、争吵的威胁。
But why do our fights spin out of control? Well, it’s because real time is too fast, and when we feel threatened, we act, and react with our primitives. Our ambassadors actually have no idea how we got into this place. It’s what makes shit up! “I’m right, dammit, and here’s what sounds really good to prove my point.” And you really have no idea what you’re talking about but you sound so confident.但为什么我们的争吵会失控呢?这是因为现实的时间太快了，当我们感到威胁时，我们就会采取行动，做出反应。我们的大使们实际上不知道我们是如何进入这个地方的，这就糟透了。“我是对的，该死的，这听起来真的很好，可以证明我的观点。” 你真的不知道自己在说什么，但你听起来很自信。
I want to get to the fun part here. Since all of you literally carry around your own neurobiology lab with you, wherever you go. Here’s a few experiments you can run in the comfort of your own home. The next time a relationship moment turns tense, change your position: go eye-to-eye and face-to-face. Notice what happens.我想讲一下有趣的部分。因为你们每个人都随身带着你们自己的神经生物学实验室，无论你们走到哪里。这里有一些你可以在舒适的家里进行的实验。下一次关系紧张的时候，改变你的姿势：面对面的交流，注意发生了什么。
And by the way, if you tend to fight a lot while driving in the car, it’s because you’re side-to-side and glance — a glance is a threat trigger, that’s why you should never fight in the car, or on the phone, or while emailing, or while texting. We’re visual animals, and we need our eyes in order to regulate each other’s nervous systems.顺便说一下，如果你在开车的时候经常争吵，那是因为你在开车的时候左右扫视——扫视是一种威胁的触发，这就是为什么你不应该在开车，打电话，发邮件、或发短信的时候争吵。我们是视觉动物，我们需要眼睛来调节彼此的神经系统。
I want you to understand that what I’m talking about here happens to everyone, regardless of personality, previous experience, and relationship experience, or trauma. No angels, no devils here. We’re all capable of becoming threatening, even to those we love, and we’re all capable of making huge mistakes and errors in communication, memory, and perception — all of us.我想让你明白，我在这里所说的每一个人都会经历，不管他的个性、过去的经历、恋爱经历或创伤是怎样的。没有天使，就没有魔鬼。我们都有可能变得具有威胁性，即使是对我们所爱的人，我们都有可能在交流、记忆和感知上犯巨大的错误。
The decision to be in a relationship, the decision to be in a committed relationship — loving, secure functioning — means being in the foxhole together and protecting each other from the dangers out there. It’s not just about getting our own way. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.决定恋爱，决定拥有一段忠诚的感情——爱，安全感的运作——意味着一起呆在散兵坑里，保护彼此远离外面的危险。这不仅仅是我们自己的事情。我们应该互相支持。
I’ve seen far too many relationships end before their time, because people cannot get this simple concept. Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure.我看到太多的亲密关系过早的结束，因为人们不能理解这个简单的概念。我们的主要工作是互相保护，让彼此感到安全。
The world is a dangerous place, it’s always been so. And right now, it feels a little scary. If we don’t have each other’s backs, who will?世界是一个危险的地方，一直都是这样。现在，感觉有点可怕。如果我们没有彼此的支持，又能指望谁呢？
Thank you and good luck with your relationships.谢谢，祝你拥有幸福的亲密关系！
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