TED演讲：一个甜蜜、完美的爱情故事
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幽默家John Hodgman通过一个关于外星人、医疗、时间、空间的方法讲述了一个甜蜜、完美的爱情故事。
You all know this story.
你们都知道这个故事.
In the summer of 1950,Enrico Fermi, the Italian-American physicist Enrico Fermi, and atomic-pile builder, went to lunch at Los Alamos National Laboratory and joined some colleagues there, and asked them a question:
在1950年的夏天, 美籍意大利心理学家和原子堆创造者在Los Alamos国家实验室和一些同事们共进午餐,问他们一些问题:
"Where is everybody?"
"大家都在哪里?"
This confused his colleagues, obviously, because they were sitting right there with him.
很显然,这句话把大家整蒙了.因为他们正跟他坐在一起.
And then he had to clarify that he wasn't talking about them.
当时他不得不解释说他不是在跟他们讲话.
He was talking about the space aliens.
他当时正和太空外星人讲话.
You see, this was only a few years after the supposed flying saucer crash at Roswell, New Mexico.
你看,这件事发生在新墨西哥州的罗斯威尔飞碟坠毁事件的几年之后.
And even though that turned out to be nothing, nothing at all -- merely a downed weather balloon piloted by small hairless men with slits for mouths ...
虽然结果是什么都没有,什么都没有--仅仅是天上掉下来的一个气象气球,一个张着大嘴的秃子驾驶的气球.
Still, America had gone saucer-mad, even famous scientists who were eating lunch.
然而,美国人已经对飞碟过敏了,即使是正在吃饭的著名科学家.
Fermi's reasoning, if I may paraphrase badly, is that the universe is so vast that it stands to reason, there should be other intelligent life out there.
Fermi的推论,恕我诠释的不好,这宇宙是如此的宽广顺理成章会有其它睿智的生命存在于宇宙中.
And the universe is so old that unless we were the very first civilization ever to evolve, we should have some evidence of their existence by now.
而且宇宙是如此的古老除非我们是第一个进化的文明,我们现在应该有一些外星人存在的证据.
And yet, to the best of our knowledge, we are alone.
然而,据我们所知,我们是孤独的.
"Where is everybody?" asked Fermi,and his colleagues had no answer.
"大家都在哪里?" Fermi问,他和他的同事都没法回答.
Fermi then went on with the same blunt logic to disprove fairies, Sasquatch, God, the possibility of love -- and thereafter, as you know,Enrico Fermi ate alone.
Fermi之后就继续用这种愚笨的逻辑去反驳童话,还有大脚野人,上帝,真爱的可能性--再后来,你也知道,Enrico Fermi自此独自用餐.
Now, I am not a scientist.
现在,我不是一名科学家.
I have never built an atomic pile.
我从来没创造过原子堆.
Although, I might argue that, technically, every pile is atomic.
虽然,我很可能会争论,技术上讲.任何一个堆都是由原子构成的.
However, with respect, I might point out two possibilities that Enrico Fermi perhaps did not consider.
无论如何,带着景仰,我要指出Enrico Fermi也许没有考虑到的两种可能.
One is that the aliens might be very far away.
一种是外星人也许非常非常远.
Perhaps, I dare say, even on other planets.
大概吧,我敢说,甚至在其它的行星上.
The other possibility -- is, perhaps, Enrico Fermi himself was an alien.
另一种可能性 --就是,有可能 Enrico Fermi本人就是一个外星人.
Think about it.
想像一下.
Isn't it a little convenient that in the midst of the World War, out of nowhere, suddenly an Italian scientist showed up with an amazing new technology that would transform everything in the world and darken the history of the human species forever after?
在世界大战期间,一个不知道哪里来的意大利科学家突然带着一种可以改变世界的令人吃惊的新技术出现在世界面前,并且自此改变了人类历史.这是不是太轻松了?
And isn't it a little strange that he required no payment for this?
并且是不是有点奇怪他并不要求任何报酬?
That he asked for only one thing -- a gift of two healthy sperm whales?
他只要求一件事:要两个健康的抹香鲸作为礼物?
That's -- that's not true.
当然,那并不是真的.
But it is strange.
不过太怪异了.
And if Enrico Fermi were indeed a space alien, wouldn't he be the first to have tried to convince his fellow scientists that the space aliens are not already here?
并且如果 Enrico Fermi当时真是一个外星人,他为什么不先去尝试说服他身边的科学家外星人还没有来过?
For it is given in certain UFO-ology or UFOlogy circles, that the aliens are already here and have been for millennia; that they have walked among us in disguise, observing us, guiding our evolution from ape to man --if you believe in that sort of thing --and, occasionally, kidnapping us in their flying saucers and taking us away to have sex with us in pyramids.
对于发表的飞碟学说或者不明飞行物学说,他们认为外星人曾经来访并且千年之前就曾来过.他们带着伪装跟我们一起生活,观察我们,引导我们进化从猿到人 --如果你相信这种东西的话.并且,他们偶然把我们绑架到他们的飞碟并把我们带到金字塔里发生性关系.
It's a difficult theory to discount, I think you'll agree.
这是一个没有人相信的深奥的理论,我想你也这么认为的.
For even in my own life,there are memories I have that are difficult to explain -- happenings that are so odd and unaccountably weird, that it is difficult to imagine they were not the result of prolonged and frequent contact with aliens throughout my life.
即使在我的生活中也有些回忆是我很难能够解释的通的 --有些事情就那么非常神奇的,莫明奇妙的发生了.所以很难想像我们的一生中,他们始终坚持并且频繁的联系外星人
For how else will you explain the amazing and absolutely true close encounters that I had and will describe to you now?
对于其它你要说的那些我亲身经历的令人吃惊并且绝对真实的遭遇我现在就告诉你.
Encounter one: Ocean City, New Jersey, 1980.
遭遇一: 1980年,新泽西的欧欣城.
This was the summer when the special edition of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" was released.
那是个夏天,正好赶上《第三类接触》的特别版发布.
And I went on vacation with my parents to the Jersey shore. Within 12 hours, I was horribly sunburned, just like Richard Dreyfuss in the movie. And so I spent the rest of the vacation largely sitting outside our little rental house at night, the sidewalk still warm from the sun, watching the skies for UFOs.
我和父母一起去新泽西的滨海度假.我在12个小时内被严重的晒伤,严重的就像电影里的Richard Dreyfuss.所以我剩余的假期,基本上只能在晚上坐在我们租来的小房子外面,享受人行道残存的太阳余温,寻找着天空的不明飞行物.
What did I see? Stars, satellites, blinking airplanes -- typical sky junk. Occasionally, kids would come and join me and watch, but their necks soon got sore, and they would go off to the boardwalk to play video games and mingle with humans.
我都是看到了什么?星星,人造卫星, 闪砾的飞机 --典型的天空垃圾.小朋友们偶尔会过来,加入我一起观察,他们的脖子很快就酸了,所以他们离开人行道去玩游戏机或找别人玩.
I was pretty good at the video games. I was not very good at the other part, so I stayed alone with the cosmos.
我曾很擅长游戏机.但我不擅长别的,所以我还是一个人跟宇宙呆着吧.
And that's when it happened. An elderly couple came walking down the street. I would say they were in their late seventies, and I would say that they were on a date, because he was wearing a very neat little suit with a yellow tie -- a brown suit. And she was wearing a cardigan, because it was now fully night and a chill was coming in off the ocean. I remember, for some reason, that they were exactly the same height.
就是在这时发生的,一对老夫妇在街上溜达.我觉得他们有七十多了,还觉得他们在约会,因为他穿着很整洁的套装棕色套装里还打着黄领带.因为并不是深夜,女士穿了一件羊毛上衣,凉风从海面上吹过来.我记得,出于某种原因,他们身高相同.
And then they stopped, and the man turned to me and said,"What are you looking for, flying saucers?"
然后他们停住了,这个男人转向身问我,"你在看什么呢?""飞碟?"
You have to admit, that's a pretty boss piece of detective work for an old man on a date. But what was stranger still -- and even I realized it at the time, as a nine-year-old child -- was that they stopped at all.
你不得不承认,这个老男人在约会时非常像一名侦探.但还有很奇怪的是 --我意识到了在那个时间,作为一个九岁的小孩 --他们停下来
That this old man would interrupt his moonlight stroll with his sweetheart with the precise reason of making fun of a child. "Oh," he said, "little green men."
这个老男人在跟他女朋友在月光下停下来用一个准确的问题去跟一个小孩看玩笑."哦." 他说,"小绅士."
And then his girlfriend joined in, too."There's no such thing as space men," she said."There's no such thing."
这时,他女朋友也加入进来."外星人根本不存在," 她说."没那种东西."
And then they both laughed. "Ha, ha, ha." I looked around. The street was entirely empty. I had stopped hearing the sound of the ocean. It was as though time had stopped. I did not know why they were teasing me.I looked into their strangely angry faces, and I remember wondering, are they wearing rubber masks?And what would be behind those rubber masks, if they were?Giant, almond-shaped, unblinking eyes?Slits for mouths?The old man crooked his finger as though he were firing a gun,and then he made laser sounds."Kew, kew, kew --watch out."
然后他们同时哈哈一笑.我环顾四周.街道已经全空了.我听不到大海的声音.仿佛时间停止了.我不知道他们为什么逗我.我观察他们陌生的脸孔,并且我感觉很奇怪他们是不是带的橡胶面具?躲在面具后面的是什么?他们是不是有一双巨大的,一眨不眨的杏仁一样的双眼?裂缝一样的嘴巴?这个做了一个开枪的手势,并且他发出激光枪的声音,咻,咻,咻--"小心!"
And they turned at once and walked away. The old man reached out his knobbly claw for the woman's hand, and found it, and left me alone.
然后他们转身接着散步.那个老男人伸出他年迈粗糙的手拉住女人的手,然后留下我一个人.
Now, you could describe this as a simple misunderstanding -- a strange encounter among humans. Maybe it was swamp gas, but -- I know what I saw.
现在,你可以把这个当成一次简单的误会 --一个人类之间的奇怪的邂逅.也许它只是浮云,但是 --我知道我看到了什么.
Close encounter two: Brookline, Massachusetts, 1984.
遭遇二: 1984年马萨诸塞的布鲁克林
I went to see the movie "Dune," and a girl talked to me. Now, on its face -- this is impossible on its face, I realize -- but it is absolutely true.
我去那里看电影"沙丘"一个女孩跟我搭讪,从表面上看 --我意识到,这从表面上看是不可能的 --但它确实是真的.
It was opening night, naturally. I went with my friend Tim McGonigal, who sat on my left. On my right was the girl in question. She had long, curly black hair, a blue jean jacket. I remember, she had some sort of injury to her ankle, an Ace bandage, and she had crutches. She was very tall, I would say. I was starting high school at the time. I would say she was a junior,but I had never seen her before. She didn't go to my school.
当时是首场演出.自然地.我跟我的朋友Tim McGonigal一起去看的,他坐我左边.我右边是问我问题的女孩儿.她有长长的,卷曲的头发,蓝色的工服.我记得,她的脚有点受伤,有绑带和拐杖.我认为她很高,我那时是高年级学员.我觉得她应该是低年级的,但我从来没有见到过他.她也不去我们学校.
I didn't know her name, and I never will. She was sitting with someone who I presume was her mother, and they were talking about the novel, "Dune." They were both big fans, mother and daughter -- very unusual.They were talking about how their favorite characters were the giant sandworms.
我不知道她的名字,知道也白搭.她跟一个像她妈妈一样的人一起坐着,她们正在讨论小说她们都是爱好者,妈妈和女儿 --这不常见.她们正在讨论最喜欢的角色是那个巨大的沙虫.
And then it got stranger. That's when she turned to me and said, "Are you looking forward to seeing the movie?" First of all, I was embarrassed because I had not read the novel "Dune" at that time. I was merely a connoisseur of movies
这时,事情变的更怪了.那时,她转向我并问道,"你期待看这部电影吗?"刚开始,我很尴尬因为我从来没读过小说.我仅仅一个沙漠行星主演电影的一个影片鉴赏家,现在也是.
But it was also the tone of how she asked the question: apropos of nothing, like she didn't even care about the answer, as though she just wanted to talk to me. I did not know what to say. I said, "Yes."
但她还是问了很多的问题:没什么实质的东西,就像她根本不介意答案一样,仿佛她只是想跟我聊天一样.我不知道要说什么.我只说"是的."我甚至都不转过头来.
The movie began. I need not remind you that this was David Lynch's version of "Dune," in which all of the characters were sexy and deformed at the same time.
电影开始了.我不需要提醒你那部电影是David Lynch版本,在所有的角色里,畸形和性感同时存在.
There was a character called the Third-Stage Guild Navigator, which was a kind of giant, floating fetus-creature that lived in a giant tank with this orange mist of psychedelic spice swirling around him, allowing him to bend space and time. He could never leave the tank or interact with the outside world. He had become, in his isolation, so deformed and so sexy, that he had to talk through a kind of old-timey radio to the outside world, and could never touch them.
有一个字符称为剧场版航海家,这是一个巨大的池塘,她孕育着生命这个巨大的池塘散发着香橙的迷幻味道环绕着他,让他有能力扭曲时间与空间.并永远不能离开这个池塘或者说与外界有任何联系.他认为,在他的世界,丑陋与性感是并存的,他通过一种老式的电台向外界传播,但是永远触及不到他们.
I mean, I liked him a lot better than the sandworms. The sandworms were fine, but your favorite character? Please.
我是说,我喜欢他们胜过沙虫.沙虫固然好,但你认为它是我的菜?不是吧.
When the movie ended, everyone seemed very happy to get up and get out of the theatre as soon as possible. Except for the girl. As I walked out, her pace slowed.Perhaps it was the crutches, but it seemed -- it seemed as though she might want to talk to me again.
当影片结束, 每个人洋溢着笑容都匆忙的走出了影院.除了一个女孩.当我走过她身边,她放缓步伐.也许她拄着拐杖,假装是这样--看来她还想和我搭讪.
When I say it out loud, it sounds so ridiculous, but I can only come to the conclusion that it was what, in the alien abductee community, they call a "screen memory": a ridiculous false recollection designed by their brain to cover up some trauma -- say, of being kidnapped and flown off to a sex pyramid.
当我说出来,听起来却很滑稽,我只能得出这样的结论这是一个外星球社区他们称之为"萤幕记忆."大脑给他们一个可笑错误的记忆去掩盖一些创伤--被外星人绑架后飞往金字塔发生性关系.
And so I sure am glad I did not slow down to talk to her. I sure am glad I never saw her again.
我当然很高兴所以我并没有慢下脚步跟她说话.我很高兴从那时起我再没见过她.
Close encounter three: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,1989.
遭遇三:宾夕法尼亚州的费城,1989年
In the mid-to-late '80s,the novelist Whitley Strieber wrote a book called "Communion," in which he described his own lifelong experiences being abducted by aliens. And he also described the phenomenon known in this community as "lost time," where Whitley Strieber would suddenly become aware that he could not remember the previous ten minutes,or the previous ten hours, or the previous ten days.
八十世纪末,小说家Whitley Strieber写了本自传,自传中他描述了被外星人绑架的经历.还有一些奇怪的现象称之为"间接性失忆"Whitley Strieber突然意识到他不记得十分钟以前发生的事,甚至十小时,十天.
And would come to the conclusion that that was when the aliens were taking him and giving him rectal probes.
得出的结论是,当外星人抓住他后给他做直肠探头.
This book became, naturally, an enormous best-seller.
这本书成为史上最牛的畅销书籍.
This image by Ted Joseph was from that book,and was his, sort of, police sketch of what the creatures looked like that Whitley Strieber had described to him.
图片是由Ted Joseph提供,图片从某种意义上像警方示意图Whitley Strieber说到.
And it was so successful that they made it into a movie.
这是一个非常棒的电影题材.
And in 1989, the way I remember it, I was in Philadelphia visiting my girlfriend, and we decided, apropos of nothing, to go see this movie. And the way I remember it, the movie featured these details.
记得在1989年,我去费城--看望我女朋友,我们临时决定,去看电影.我记得,电影展现了许多细节.
One: Whitley Strieber was played by Christopher Walken.
一:Whitley Strieber由Christopher Walken扮演.
Two: the alien was played by a rubber puppet.
二:外星人的扮演者是橡胶面具.
Three: there was a surprisingly long sequence of the film in which the rubber puppet gives Christopher Walken a rectal probe.
三:有一个出乎意料的长序列橡胶面具电影给Christopher Walken做直肠探头.
Four: this was being shown in a regular movie theater in Center City, Philadelphia.
四:影片正在上映在费城的各大影院.
Five: all of which is to say, they made a movie out of the book, "Communion," and it starred Christopher Walken.
五:所有人都说,电影是由"交流"改编.主角是 Christopher Walken.
Does something seem strange about this to you? Something odd? Something off? Something wrong with this picture? Think about it. Yes.
是哪里出了问题?灵异事件？虚构事物？照片的毛病？想一想，是的。
The answer is: I had a girlfriend. What?
答案是：我曾经有个女朋友.疯了么?
How did this happen? When did this happen? I remember walking out of the theater and becoming suddenly aware of this fact, as we walked hand in hand, and pondering these very same questions.
这是如何发生的?什么时候发生的?我记得我走出影院并突然意识到这是真的,正如我们手牵手漫步，却思考着同样的问题.
And to this day, I have no answer for you.
至今,我都无法回答.
Close encounter four: the Algarve, Portugal, 1991.
遭遇四:阿尔加瓦葡萄牙,1991.
Some years later, I and this woman -- we'll call her "Catherine Fletcher" -- went traveling through the south of Portugal together. We stayed in old, crumbling, walled cities, in tiny little hotels, and we would climb up to the roof and drink Vinho Verde and watch the sun set and play checkers.
许多年过后,我和这个女人--我们将称她为“Catherine Fletcher”-我们穿越葡萄牙南部去旅行.我们住在古老的摇摇欲坠的围城里.在小旅馆里,我们爬到屋顶喝着葡萄牙清酒看日落玩跳棋.
What? Did we do this? Really? Does anyone do this? We went to some topless beaches. Excuse me? No, not in my life. For what it's worth, we went to Sagres, which was considered, at the time, to be the end of the world. And there I was chased by a pack of feral dogs on the dock, and the lead dog bit me on the ass, requiring me to go to a strange Portuguese clinic and receive an ass shot.
什么?我们做了这些么?真的么?有人会做这样的事情么?我们去了沙滩边.醒醒?我不是在做梦吧.不论真伪.我们去了葡萄牙,这被认为是,世界末日.在那里我被野狗追咬,最后领头的狗咬了我的屁股,他们带我去一个陌生的葡萄牙诊所接受屁股的治疗.
Make of that what you will. Our last day in Portugal, we were in the district capital of Faro, and Catherine decided that she wanted to go to the beach one last time.
你可以合理的遐想一下.在葡萄牙的最后一天,我们在葡萄牙的首府,Catherine想去海滩转一圈最后一圈.
Now, Faro is a bustling little city, and to get to the beach, she explained, you would have to take a bus and then a boat. And did I want to come with? But I was exhausted and dog-bitten, and so I said, "No." I remember what she looked like before she left. The freckles had grown and multiplied on her face and shoulders, clustering into a kind of a tan.
Faro是个热闹的小城市,她说去海边要乘公交车再换乘个小船.你愿意跟我一起去么?我摸着被咬坏的屁股已经筋疲力尽了,我说"我不去了."至今我还记得她黯然离开时失望的眼神.这个雀斑女已经长大雀斑在她的脸庞和肩头上倍增,汇聚成一种巧克力色.
A tan, we were both tan -- is this true? Her eyes were extra bright and extra blue, as a result. She was smiling. She was a single woman about to go alone into a country, not even speaking the language, to travel alone by bus and boat to go to a beach she did not know or had never seen. I loved her, and then she went out into that strange, alien land.
结果我们皮肤都晒成了巧克力色. 这是真的吗?她的眼睛是蓝色的格外的亮,最后.她笑了.一个单身女人独自到一个陌生的国家,甚至没有相通的语言,独自乘着公车和小船去旅行去一个连她自己都不知道在哪的海滩或者她从未见过.我爱她,当她走到那个奇怪的外星人领域.
It took me some time to come to my senses. I had my own "lost time" moment,where I woke up and suddenly realized it was very late in the day, almost dinnertime, and she had not come back. Nervous, I went down to the street to look for her. Now, I did not speak Portuguese. I did not know where the beach was. I could not call her on a cell phone because this was 1991,
我重新整理了我的思绪. 我有属于我的"失忆时段",我突然醒了,意识到时间已经不早了,差不多到了晚饭时间,但她还没回来我感到不安,于是上街去找她.现在,我不会葡萄牙语.我也不知道沙滩在哪?我同样不能打电话给她因为那是1991年,那时外星人也没给我们这项技术.
I realized that the day would only have two possible outcomes: either Catherine would come back to the hotel, Catherine or she would never come back to the hotel. And so I sat down to wait. I did not watch the skies, but the very end of the street where the buses and cars and pedestrians and little scooters were moving along. And I watched those constellations shift, hoping that they would part and I would see her face.
我意识到这一天只有 只有两种可能的结果:自己回到小旅馆或者她再也不回来了.我只能坐下来等.我没有注视着天空,而是盯着街道的尽头那里的公车汽车和行人和小踏板车在前行着.我看着那些星球的转变,多希望他们能让我看到你的脸.
It was at that moment, in that very small town of 30,000 or so, that I truly appreciated the vastness of the universe and the searching we might do in it. And that's when the Liberians came along. Five young men -- all laughing, happy, traveling together, coming back to this hotel where they were staying.
就在那一刻,在一个容纳30000人的小镇上,我真正欣赏到宇宙的浩瀚搜寻我们想要的.那时利比里亚人走了过来.5个年轻人--他们都开心的笑着同行,回到他们的住所.
One of them was named Joseph, and he asked me what was I doing, and I explained. And he said, "Don't worry." He was sure that Catherine would be safe. But he did not seem so very sure, And for the next two hours, they all waited with me: taking turns, going up to their room, coming back, telling me jokes, distracting me.
其中一个名叫Joseph,他问我我来做什么,我向他解释.他说,"不要担心,"他确信Catherine是安全的.但他看起来不太确信,因为他跟我一起坐下来.接下来的两个小时,他们和我一起等待.他们轮流来我房间讲笑话安慰我,分散我的注意力.
Two hours, they gave me a message. We are not alone. And then, in the middle of a sentence, at the very birth of twilight, I turned and looked down the street. The stars aligned, and she came back. She was smiling. She did not understand why I was so worried. Neither did the Liberians, although there was a huge amount of relief in their laughter as they clapped us on the back, and went back up to their room and left us alone in the street, holding hands.
两小时后,他们给我捎口信.我们并不孤独.这时,字里行间之中让人感到暮光的开始.我转过身来,看着街上.星星排成一排,她回来了.她笑着,她并不知道我为何而难过.利比里亚人也不理解,他们的笑声里有着很多的宽慰.他们在心底为我们鼓掌,默默回到房间让我们独自在街上,手牵手.
An event like this leaves a scar on the memory, much like a piece of alien technology that has been inserted into your buttocks by a "Portuguese doctor." And even now, a decade and a half later, even now that we are married, I look for her still, whenever she is not in the room. And even though, I think you'll agree, it is probable that during the time she was away, she was kidnapped and replaced by an alien clone, I love her and wait for her still.
这像记忆中的伤痛,被一个叫做"葡萄牙的医生"的人把一块外星人的高科技植入到你的臀部.即使到现在,15年以后,我们结婚了,我随时找她时她仍不在房间.我认为你也同意,很可能是在她外出时,被外星人绑架甚至克隆,但我会一直爱她,等着她.
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